July 31st 2019
This is it. The big day. After my trip with the boys I’ve decided that it’s time to build them, and their incredible mother into my permanent life. If she’ll have me of course. I just hope I’ll be that lucky. She’s a truly incredible woman. Deeply loving, passionate, tireless, demanding, driven, so damn gorgeous, and above all crazy as all get out with everything that that brings.
A few days ago while Renata was at work in Sao Paulo me and the boys drove in to the city to the Sé district near Liberdade. It was time to go shopping for an engagement ring. It takes about four hours of following the street hustlers into shops and getting shown the options we have both in and out of my price range before I finally settle on a non traditional but beautiful ring that reminds me of my mother. Sapphire with some small diamonds around it. The boys have been so patient and helpful and seem genuinely happy that I’m going to ask, which makes me me more sure of my decision. Vinny loves the ring, Felipe admits it’s pretty but had his heart set on emerald, a stone which I love but could not find any dark coloured ones that i loved. Either way, we hurry back to the parked car and leave Sao Paulo behind. I feel nervous and excited about the proposal. I also feel pretty bad that as we drive out of town Renata is leaving work and getting on the metro, to get on another train, to get on another train to get home. But if I pick her up I’d have to explain what we’re doing in Sao Paulo, and I’m not that good a liar.
On the drive home we almost get side swiped by a maniac trying to change three lanes at high speed at a toll booth. Only a quick hard foot on the break saves us and again I find myself wondering how I’d explain a car crash near Sao Paulo to Renata. Brazilian women are famously jealous and Renata is no exception. She’d sooner believe I was driving to Sao Paulo to see another woman then buy her an engagement ring if she discovered a car crash which thank god did not happen. Let’s hope that this proposal doesn’t turn into a car crash.
Back at home I practice by proposing to Vinny who goes full on into his character. I get down on one knee and start talking about how much I love Renata. He does not let me finish, instantly breaking into a series of impossible sobs and through these moans asking one simple question. “Cuanto Foi!?!?!?!” . or “How much was the ring??”. Renata doesn’t like it when I ‘waste’ money. So there we have her eldest son’s prediction of how this will go, and while it did seem like he was eventually going to accept the proposal he never actually got there, leaving me a tad nervous.
Now Renata, being a good full blooded Brazilian, adores the beach, and since we have no international trips on the horizon yet, this seems like the best place to do it. We’ve recently discovered a gorgeous beach about an 75 minutes from our house, behind one of the best seafood restaurant’s i’ve ever eaten at called simple Thobias.
The drive down feels like it takes 75 days instead of minutes. I know… The Boys know. Renata has no clue. I’ve somehow tricked her into letting me wear at least somewhat formal clothes. Pants and a button up shirt, claiming ?I want to be a man for her, not a boy. Something she occasionally has accused me of before. She thinks it’s weird for the beach but let’s me have my way.
As we wind our way down out of the coastal mini-mountains through the walls of green that surround the snaking road which leads to the beach I find it hard to breathe, that old demon we all live with, self doubt, wondering If I’m crazy to think this amazing woman would want to marry me. I try to shove the voice down, but it keeps coming back, whispering ugly words into my mind. Words that i know aren’t true. Deep down I know that Renata loves me, I know that this is what she will want. She’s many amazing things, but secretive is not one of them.
For a while it looked like we might need to get married to simplify my work situation in Brazil, something that does still apply. But of course I wanted the proposal to be a surprise so I told her that my boss Richard had found a way to get me a work visa so we wouldn’t have to get married. She’d responded with a highly unenthusiastic semi heartbroken. “Oh…. that’s… great.” She can be a great liar, but not with matters of the heart. There, in the year and two months we’ve been together, I’ve learned to see straight through her.
After the 75 day long drive we pull up out front of Thobias restaurant and leave the car behind, promising to come back for lunch later. Then we hit the short trail through the jungle towards the beach. I’m just waiting for a poisonous snake to attack us all of something, it just feels like something horrible is going to happen. No way this is going to go off without a hitch, life’s not that kind. (I am aware how immensely kind life in all its facets has actually been to me. Every adventure on this blog including this one is proof of that).
We eventually get to the beach. My heart feels like it’s just finished sprinting a bloody marathon even though it’s just been a leisurely 5 minute walk. But of course getting to the beach isn’t the end of it. This beach has several small river inlets to cross and another 5 to 10 minutes to walk before we get to our usual spot. I hand the boys my camera and cell phone telling them that “The beach looks particularly beautiful today guys, can you take some photos for me?” “O praia ta muito lindo hoje meninos, voces podem tirar algumas fotos para mim.” Translation: I know my wife will want photos of the moment, and there’s no way I can be the one to take them.
I roll up my pants awkwardly as we wade through the rivers, by this point just wanting to blurt out angrily “RENATA MARRY ME OKAY” to get it over with and break the pressure building in my chest and in fact my hole body down to the tip of my pinky toe. These words need to get out of me, but I hold them inside, waiting to give her a better moment. I know already she’s probably going to cry, that tiny bastard voice keeps asking me If I’m sure the tears will be happy though.
Eventually we get to the real beach, the soothing sound of the crashing waves rolling into the sound today serving as agitators as /I wish for silence, trying to form the perfect words. I had them all before but they seem to have escaped from my mind under the pressure of the moment. Shit.
We get to our usual spot and put our bags down.
Renata starts to lay out a towel.
The boys fan out for photos.
I fumble with the zipper.
My hands close around the velvet box.
The hard metal of the zipper scrapes my wrist as I pull my hand out of the backpack.
I look up at Renata’s beautiful face.
I’m so fucking scared.
I’m so fucking sure.
The words start to pour out of my mouth.
My hands fumble the box open.
“Will you marry me?”
I can’t remember what else I said.
This still bothers the hell out of me.
Renata falls to the sand.
She starts crying. Sobbing. Her whole body convulsing.
“Cuanto foi!?!?!?!”
Exactly as he predicted.
Her eldest knows her well.
Renata is a passionate woman. And for the next several minutes she fluctuates between sobbing and laughing, grimacing and grinning. Somewhere in that overwhelming mess that one word I’m dying to here escapes her lips. “Sim.” – Yes -. We always revert to our mother tongue in the greatest moments, and the worst ones too. Though I do believe I managed to slip a bit of Portuguese into whatever i said during the proposal. Damn, I hate how little I can remember of the words. I’d planned them, but then the plan disappeared and the words just spilled out in a flood. A crashing, nervous wave.
Renata still can’t seem to get up. There’s something beautiful about that. Every time I see a proposal I’m stuck by the beauty of how the person being proposed to always seems to immediately try to even the playing field. They either go to their knees or pull the proposer to their feet. Putting both people on the same level. Maybe a key sign of a good partnership.
Eventually, Renata, still weeping intermittently let’s me put the ring on her. It looks better than i’d ever dared imagine on her finger. It sparkles in the sunlight, a pale reflection of how she herself sparkles as a huge smile breaks through the tears. I fell in love with that smile in my first days with her. Irrepressible, honest, open. So fucking beautiful.
The boys are dutifully taking pictures and video of the events but eventually we do call them in for a hug. I think that for many people a girlfriends kids might be a reason not to get married, for me it couldn’t be more the opposite. I’m thrilled at the idea of being the best step dad I can possibly be to these two incredible boys. And to be honest I’m deeply touched by just how happy they seem to be to be welcoming me into their family. I couldn’t imagine ever having done this without their enthusiastic support every step of the way. And I’m so excited to help them build the lives they dream of and be there for them whatever they need. As terribly cliche as it sounds today I didn’t just gain an incredible fiancee today, I got a complete package, with two incredible boys.
As you can see in the pictures Renata does eventually manage to stand up. We take a few more photos then all go in for a swim eventually. Renata spends most of her time on the beach though, and makes me crack a smile every time some random person walks by and she screams out, “Sou NOIVAAAA!” (I’m Engaged) thrusting her hand at them. Brazilians being Brazilians most of them stop to offer an enthusiastic congratulations to her and to me. I deserve it. I’m a very lucky man.
Eventually the sun getting the best of Renata’s Bolona Branca (White ball) (Me) we head back from the beach to enjoy a huge celebratory lunch with our friend Thobias at his incredible restaurant. His whole family is happy for us and Renata finally gets a little cell phone service and starts posting and messaging her friends. I like to think the fact that they all seem utterly thrilled for her means that i’m not too bad a boyfried…errrrr… Fiancee. That’s going to take some getting used to.
A late lunch done we head to the rich Brazilian town of riviera to pick up Lu, one of Renata’s friends who needs a ride back to suzano. She’s also thrilled for us, though as the car climbs up the mountains back towards home she does start to bother me a bit. Both Renata and I have agreed we don’t want a giant wedding. We both would rather spend our money on travel. (God I love my wife). But her friend Lu insists. “Nao Nao, mesmo por um casamento bem simple voces vao gastar um sesenta conta” . (“No, no, even for a really small simple wedding you guys will spend at least 25,000 CAD).
Renata and I share a look and for the first time I feel like we’re already married. We have that husband and wife telepathic bond. “70,000 Reals. Sem Chanca. Amo voce.” (25 grand, no chance. I love you) Her eyes tell me. I feel fairly sure I’ve made this clear, but just in case, I’ll say it once more. I love my wife. And I am so lucky to have her. And so utterly excited for all the adventures our life together will bring.
The future is a long dark road ahead of us. I can’t think of a better person that Renata to light the way and walk with me. That smile could shatter the sun.
Sitting beside her in the car I feel entirely ready for whatever life might have in store for us. The triumphs, the tragedies, we will face them together.
Her hand gently squeezes my thigh as I steer the car around an especially sharp curve and her ring catches the light out of the corner of my eye. I feel happy. A simple word, but it’s a simple emotion. A simple rightness in the world flowing through me.
I feel happy. Happy in a way I never have before. And it’s so incredibly exciting to know that she will be by my side for everything that is to come. Can life get any better than this?
